Mifflores Rioja Viura

Mifflores Rioja Viura 
Price: $10.99
Retailer: Whole Foods

Nothing makes me feel like an old white lady more than watering my plants and drinking white wine, which is basically my favorite thing to do in the afternoons when it's sunny (all year round). And this white wine's bottle basically looks like how I'd like my garden to look so it's pretty much perfect, aside from the fact that I don't really like it all that much. I mean... it's fine. I bought it, it's drinkable, but I mean... it's fine.

I bought this wine because I bought the Tempernillo and loved it so much I kept opening it with friends without reviewing it, and didn't want to risk not reviewing it again. But now I wish I'd just bought the Tempernillo again and watered my plants with red wine instead.

The wine is fine, and it is organic, so points to Mifflores Rijoia. More points for the bottle and fonts though. Not to say I'm not drinking this. I am drinking it. Like I said, it's fine. 

To be honest, I just have so much other shit going on right now, I don't care what it tastes like. For example, today the garbage disposal suddenly backed up, and I forgot the dishwasher was connected to the kitchen sink so I started the dishwasher and then went to see if our bathroom sink was also backed up because it kind of was recently. So I started taking apart the plumbing and then I went back in the kitchen and the sink was overflowing and I had to use a big bowl to get the water out like a sinking ship and then I had to fix the bathroom sink. But I fixed the bathroom sink!

BUT I SMELL LIKE FUCKING WATER TRASH. LIKE I SMELL LIKE HOW THEY ALWAYS SAY KARL SMELLS ON WORKAHOLICS. HAVE YOU EVER EVEN SMELLED THAT? IT'S THE FUCKING WORST. SO YES. THIS WINE IS FINE. IT'S FINE. IT'S GREAT. I'M DRINKING THIS WINE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TIME TO SHOWER BEFORE I GO SEE MY FRIEND'S BAND AND I SMELL LIKE WATER TRASH. AWESOME. GREAT. COOL. BEAUTIFUL. I AM BEAUUUTIFUL.

Tasting Notes:  Fruity and plush with a good amount of acidity, but it doesn't feel quite balanced. The consistency reminds me of an old school California Chardonnay, it's not buttery but it has that same texture. Whatever. I'm drinking it. All of it. I SMELL LIKE WATER TRASH. KILL ME.

Ross Test: Too acidic, not recommended.

JUST BUY THE TEMPERNILLO, I PROMISE YOU WILL LOVE IT.

Wine Time: Coppola Diamond Collection Pinot Noir with Mindy Kaling

Francis Coppola Diamond Collection Pinot Noir
Price: ~ $20
Retailer: Really anywhere, but I grabbed this at Whole Foods

Mindy Kaling and I review this Coppola Pinot Noir while dressed as the characters from Sideways, and Mindy has some serious concerns about the Ross Test. Best viewed in 720p HD.

Check out more episodes of Wine Time here!

Cinematography by Antoin Huynh 
Music by Monster Rally 

Pro Tip: Eat Light but Hearty Before You Party

I've been in the drinking game for a long time, and one of the biggest mistakes I've made is forgetting to eat a good meal.

Before you go party, you should eat something light but hearty. It needs to be light because, hello, you're going to be in the tightest dress you own in a couple hours, but hearty because, hello, you're going to be drinking a shit ton. 

So for example, tonight I have a big event I'm going to at 9:30pm. It's an open bar, with my boss, co-workers, and peers. I need to keep my shit on lock all night, while also drinking as much free shit as possible, while also not crying as I shimmy in and out of my Spanx.

Here's what I do:

1. I eat super early. It's 5:30 and I'm already done, early bird Seinfeld's parents style. This gives my bod enough time to digest things so I'm not hating myself while I get ready. Getting ready is half the fun, and you have to love yourself while you get ready! You have to be listening to your favorite hip-hop and practicing sexy pop-lock-drops! There is no time for self-loathing, so eliminate it from the beginning.

2. Eat a lean, clean meat. I like a baked chicken breast seasoned with salt and pepper and marinated in lemon juice. It's delicious but there's no weird carbs or anything that are going to bloat you. If you're a vegetarian, well, figure it out, but still, you have to eat something substantial. 

3. Eat a non-bloating veggie. Asparagus, green beans, carrots, mushrooms and zucchini are delicious, give you that nutritional value, and also don't make your abdomen look twice the size that it is. 

Spoken from a true professional, you will seriously be thanking yourself later when you're not belligerent and begging your friends to take you to Taco Bell at 2am. 

Happy National Drink Wine Day with Segura Viudas' Aria Pinot Noir

Happy National Drink Wine Day, probably the only national day that is basically every other day. Everyone has been like, "Yo, you KNOW it's National Drink Wine Day, RIGHT?" like the fact I didn't roll out of bed with two bottles of Cab and a pack of lit sparklers is a disappointment. Honestly, I find this day a little insulting, because it assumes we're not out here celebrating wine and its benefits straight 365, WHICH I AM. I AM A NO LIMIT SOLDIER. FOR WINE.

But whatever. Happy National Drink Wine Day. I hope if you don't normally drink wine, you celebrate our sacred grape and drink wine today. I normally drink wine, and I am drinking wine, so fuck it. Let's party and honor this shit because it reduces the chances of heart attacks, type two diabetes, cataracts, strokes, colon cancer, brain decline, being boring and having no fun. 

To commemorate this totally average Tuesday, I am drinking one of my absolute favorites, Segura Viudas' Aria [Sparkling] Pinot Noir. 

My first three years in Echo Park were spent mostly in local watering hole El Prado blacked out on this shit, and generally broke because of it. If you are familiar with my early blogging, you may recall a night in which I got so drunk I put my foot in a toilet, and this Cava is to blame (as well as for many, many other past-- and probably future-- transgressions).

This wine will always take me back to "that time". It's a good song like that, a quick way to time travel. In ten years, I will sip this on a barely black Los Angeles evening and remember sitting in El Prado, a VIP at Tuesday's Record Club with Origami Vinyl, with the back table basically reserved for us. We were the cool kids, in a cool neighborhood at a cool night, getting drink tickets for bringing our favorite records to our favorite bar. It was such a youthful little fantasy. And now it feels, so long ago. It wasn't really, but it was. The crowd has come and gone, along with "chillwave" records and not caring about our day jobs. 

This is one of the many, many reasons I love wine. Because of the many nights my friends and I have gathered around it, that I have to cherish.

So cheers, to many more nights downing $9 glasses of sparkling Pinot Noirs, that you may or may not be able to afford.

Tasting Notes: A dream, a beautiful bubbly little dream. A lovely rose colored glass to look through. Bright raspberries, strawberries, nectarines. Light, smooth, with just the perfect acidity. I truly love this wine. I've never seen it in stores, a friend who knows me well brought it as a hostess gift, but I genuinely hope you can find it. It's superb. 

Ross Test: Too bubbly! Don't waste it on chugging. Put it in a glass and listen to a record you love with your best friend.

Paired: Graham Beck Brut Rosé & Girls' Album

For Valentine's Day, I couldn't think of a better pairing than Girls' Album and the Graham Beck Brut Rosé. "Lust For Life" is one of my favorite songs ever. It's such a silly "girly" song, while still being beautiful and even a bit poignant. The lyrics just fucking get me. It's all about having a boyfriends, wines, suntans, beach houses, pizzas-- basically everything I live for. It's the best song for putting on repeat and drinking too much wine with your girlfriends with and dancing your ass off in the living room.

The Graham Beck is a super dry and bubbly Rosé from South Africa (man, I am ON ONE with these South African Rosés lately). The color of it is the most beautiful, perfect, soft salmon. I'm not a huge fan of pink, but god damn do I love a good salmon hue. And it's so delicious. This 54% Pinot Noir and 41% Chardonnay blend tastes like a bright summer afternoon munching on watermelon and fresh picked grapefruits in a bikini with your best friends. The carbonation is bold, which I love, with a really fresh finish. Overall, this is a very enjoyable wine. Even my boyfriend, who is not a huge fan of sparkling wines or Rosés, had two glasses. 

You can pick up the Graham Beck at Whole Foods. Might have to pick up another bottle for lunch, with a pizza and a beach house, preferably. 

Stop Bitching & Start Drinking: Four Dates For Valentine's Day

The worst part about Valentine's Day is how much single people bitch about it. I bet you're like, "Easy for you to say, unsingle cunt." I understand that, but as the "the wine glass is half full" kind of woman I am, even when I was single, I loved Valentine's Day because Valentine's Day is an awesome excuse to get drunk. So stop bitching and start drinking. Here are four excellent dates for you this Valentine's Day.

Damilano Barolo Cannubi 2008

The Cannubi is your best friend. Like your best-best friend you've been best friends with since your guys' other best friend got you hooked on shoplifting from Bath & Body Works in junior high. The two of you have been through everything together. Parents, hook-ups, AOL screen names, getting drunk and pissing in their bedroom wastebasket senior year of high school. They are super outspoken and at times even brash with you, but at the end of the day, there is no one you'd rather be curled up on a couch with. There is no one better to be one-on-one with in your pajamas watching For A Good Time, Call..., or catching up over Anchorman, or laughing over really cheesy late night Skinamax (just like you did on the pull out couch in their living room for your adolescence). 

Tasting Notes: Bold and springy on the bouquet, like fresh cut grass right before PE. The palate is more like eating plums from your front yard after school, with hints of cherry and leather. The tannins are barely there, like dust in the air after rediscovering your old collection of Goosebumps books. This wine is amazing, and it has the 92 point rating to prove it.

Ross Test: Nice and soft, like a throw blanket for your soul.

Esporão Reserva 2009

The Reserva is the person you know you shouldn't be calling, but you can't help yourself. They grabbed your ass in a bar one night years ago and you've been periodically getting together ever since. They're emotionally unavailable but so god damned charming and handsome and, let's be honest, the best big spoon you've ever had.  And sometimes, you just need to be spooned. And sometimes, that spoon may or not fork you. And sometimes, you need to be forked! Their big arms just wrap around you, and their crotch fits so perfectly against your ass. And isn't that what Valetine's Day is about? Being wrapped up in bullshit and getting forked?

Tasting Notes: Strapping and sexy from start to finish. This is just such a powerful wine, with big black fruits on the bouquet and palate. It's super solid, and muscular, in a "Whoa, do you want to protect me and keep me warm forever? Or at least until we have sex and we both know you need to go home?" sort of way.

Ross Test: Strong, but that's probably how you want it.

Berlucchi Cuvee '61 Rosé

Yeah, I know Drake told us no new friends. But fuck that. You wanted to hate this bitch when you first met her, but you couldn't. For the exact reasons you wanted to loathe her, you are now in love with her. She is super pretty and bubbly, breathing life into any room she walks into. Everyone wants a taste of her; they want to drink up her entire sparkling personality. And though you just met, you find yourself canceling dinner plans all over the place to party with her. She's just so fucking fun. 

Tasting Notes: This is If Victoria's Secret "Strawberries and Champagne" was a wine. It smells just like it, and tastes like it. Like if it tasted it the best ever. It's medium-bodied but so light, with just barely ripe strawberries and well-balanced acidity. And with all that effervescence?! GOD DAMN. It's so fucking good. I want to do this every night. 

Ross Test: Don't do it.  You can't handle this bitch in high quantities, probably for your own health.

Charles & Charles Cabernet Syrah

This is the guy in a hoodie you've been dating for three & a half weeks. Don't get me wrong, it is a very nice hoodie. It's almost, too nice of a hoodie. Because he's super casual, but also super smooth. That makes things confusing. Like, it feels like you guys are a couple but no one has said anything about being a couple. You guys do super couplely things, but everyone is being really cool about it. At first, you're like, "Oh no, Valentine's Day. Do we? Do we not? Are we serious? I can't tell?" But of course you guys do Valentine's Day. He's going to show up in a hoodie, smelling all woodsy, wearing that warm-ass boyish smile that has you dreaming about eternity.

Tasting Notes: The bouquet is punchy yet inviting, full of blackberries with slight floral and coffee notes. It's like he has a crazy, edgy wit, but also a really genuine heart. That same sentiment stays on the palate, but once you dig a little deeper you can taste that along with all those berries, there is a nice toasty flavor. Which makes sense since he's going to be keeping you warm. Hopefully for forever. Fingers crossed.

Ross Test: Totally easy-going and smooth. Very enjoyable.

- ♥ -

Happy Valentine's Day, little lovers. I hope you get really drunk on wine, and don't take Vicodin and end up dancing on a bar and then puking all over like I did in 2007 cause holy shit, that suuucked.

What are you Ross Testing this Valentine's Day? Tell me about it in the comments or hashtag #RossTest so I can see what's up. 

Paired: Mulderbosch Cabernet Sauvignon Rosé & The Endless Summer Soundtrack

Mulderbosch Cabernet Sauvignon Rosé
Price: $8.99
Retailer: Wine.com

Today I am pairing the Mulderbosch Cab Sauv Rosé withThe Endless Summer soundtrack. It’s a no brainer, and here is why.

First, It is eighty-something degrees here in Los Angeles. It is straight up eighty-something in January, which decrees an endless summer if I’ve ever decreed (I haven’t). And Rosés were made for summery afternoons: cold, bright, and the color of a bed of flowers.

Secondly, Mulderbosch is a South African wine. Drinking it makes me feel like I’ve traveled across the world to sample a beautiful varietal that is familiar, yet completely new. Much like when surfers Mike Hynson and Robert August visited South Africa to surf. I mean, it’s not like they’d never surfed a fucking wave before, but they were surfing South African waves. CALIFORNIA NATIVES SURFING FOREIGN WAVES, DUDE. JUST LIKE YOUR GIRL, M.ROSS.

And I am loving this South African wave I am currently riding. Especially with The Sandals in the background. As a surf-rock aficionado, I can say this is one of my favorite albums, conjuring beautiful 16mm Bruce Brown beach fantasies in my brain. It’s pure afternoon drunk magic right now. I am on vacation, forever

Tasting Notes: When I first opened this bottle, I poured it and immediately dove in, which was a mistake. This is one of the few wines I’ve had that really do take time to open up, and taste completely different if you let them breath a bit. Once it’s had some time, you get a really nice, bright bouquet of cherries, strawberries and a little herb-ness. I really love the palate because although it is a fairly straightforward Rosé, it has incredible balance. It’s rich yet refreshing, with light berries and ample acidity. Very enjoyable, one of the best Rosés I’ve had in sometime.

Ross Test: Pass! I could see myself chugging this entire bottle without an issue in 110 degree weather next to a pool in Palm Springs in a couple months.

Adriano Adami Garbel Prosecco

Adriano Adami Garbel Prosecco
Price: $15
Retailer: BevMo

Obviously I was celebrating New Year’s like Big Pun. OBVIOUSLY. Like you expected anything less.

We popped a lot of bubbly in the hot tub last week, but the only one that everyone agreed could not be shaken up and sprayed all over me, was the Adriano Adami Garbel Prosecco.

This Prosecco is probably the best Prosecco I’ve ever had. I didn’t get a chance to hit the bouquet because we were Ross-ing the shit out of this, but the palate is perfectly tart and crisp, with hints of melon and apple. I wish I could tell you more, but my notes got thrown in and tore up by the jets, so just trust me on this one. TRUST.

Ross Test: PASS. WITH FLYING COLORS. TAKE IT TO YOUR NEXT HOT TUB GATHERING. OR CLASSY EVENT WHERE YOU’RE MAKING MAD TOASTS. OR JUST BRING IT HOME FOR A NIGHT WITH YOU AND YOUR CAT. NO MATTER HOW YOU DO THIS PROSECCO, YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE AN AMAZING TIME DOING IT.

Hard Chillin Cidar Recipe

HARD CHILLIN CIDER
• 8 cups apple cider
• 1 1/2 bottles of Hogan’s Dry Hard Cider
• 3 12 oz. bottles of Reed’s Extra Dry Ginger Beer
• 2 1/2 cups of Maker’s Mark Whiskey
• 1 lemon juiced
• Orange bitters, to taste
• Garnish with orange slices & cinnamon sticks

This punch was a total hit. There’s a ton of alcohol in it, and you seriously can’t taste any of it. I got seven full grown adults awesome trashed on this. It was such a hit, I don’t think I’ll ever host an event without it.

Chardoncrayyy Bourbon Punch Recipe

Chardoncrayyy Bourbon Punch
• 2 bottles of chilled, not oaky/buttery Chardonnay
• 1 12-oz. bottle of chilled Rose’s grenadine
• 2 & 1/2 cups of chilled Bulleit bourbon
• 1 cup chilled orange juice
• 1 cu.p chilled cranberry juice

• 1/3 cup fresh lime juice
• 7 cups of ice cubes
• 2 12-oz. chilled can of Sprite
• 1 cup chilled club soda

Don’t let this punch’s Barbie coral pink color fool you— this shit is not fruity. Also, don’t be put off by the excessive Chardonnay. As you know, I’m not really that into Chardonnays, but this is soso good. A huge crowd pleaser that is refreshing and light but will get you fucking drunk