“Pithon-Paillé 'Grololo' Grolleau smells like the all sprinklers just went off at dusk in late July across an entire neighborhood; lawns of peppered strawberry and blackberry, wet sidewalks wafting. And it tastes like a spiced raspberry juice hot tub with the acidic shock of a peer-pressured dive into the pool. It's not THAT cold, so it's cool [bahhh-dumm-chhh] but it still fucking hits ya, man. It's a pure and simple pleasure, the kind of thing you don't have to think too much about until you decided to hit the bong because you have the worst cramps ever and now here we are. [Ahem] Yeah, I mean this wine is mad chillable & chuggable & perfect for pairing with feminist porn... not because there are ladies on the label. But because it's juicy, soft, and subtle but spicy, angular, and vibrant. It's carefree... Ah, fuck I have more to say but I have to go eat dinner because I promised Ben I would be done before dinner. Whatever the point is, yeah. I'm stoned. But mostly that this wine is really great and fun and okay, I do have to go but drink this wine I'm serious it's delicious, wait is he back? I can't see from the new desk that faces the wall... ok yeah g2g my guys”— cool review I wrote last night we’re just gonna have to go with bc we drank all the wine it was so good. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Un Saumon Dans la Loire 'La Boutanche' Rosé
I didn't mean to review another rosé. But when the homie Corey Cartwright of Selection Massale pulled out a bottle of 'La Boutanche' rosé at lunch, there was no way I wasn't reviewing it. I'm a huge fan of the Un Saumon Dans la Loire 'La Boutanche' series. They are all well crafted, easy drinkers at reasonable prices. I couldn't not talk about this wine.
Especially considering my best bro Ryan Ellis came through with IF YOU'RE READING THIS IT'S TOO LATE ON FUCKING VINYL. ILLEGAL GERMAN VINYL. BLACK MARKET CLEAR VINYL. THIS IS DRUGS TO ME. LIKE I FREAKED OUT WILDER THAN IF HE HAD JUST STRAIGHT UP RUBBED MILEY CYRUS' MOLLY ON MY GUMS.
I didn't mean to be listening to Drake and drinking rosé again, but, that's just the way shit happened to go. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The 'La Boutanche' rosé is gamay based, so you know I'm tripping on this shit. Tastes like a cherry Starburst and has me feeling like I'm the one again. It's the color of the red lights in any number of Brooklyn bars I've been wasted in and never knew the names of.
Also cranberry juice, but that is not very evocative.
Like, I don't care about a wine that looks like fucking cranberry juice. I care about wines that remind me of the six years I've been vacationally drinking in the bowels of Williamsburg, having the time of my twenties, throwing shows at now defunct bars (RIP Bruar Falls), watching my homies' bands blow up, and homies' bands dissipate, eating at Five Leaves every time I come through no matter the company, throwing rap and Nirvana on a jukebox in the same breath and talking about Blink 182 until 6AM.
THAT IS THE SHIT WINE SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL.
CRANBERRY JUICE DOES NOT REMIND YOU OF YOUR WOES.
This wine is so good because it is so fucking youthful. It's bright and vibrant and makes me want to travel and party and pass out on your floor. I want to pop it like a pack of Skittles I finish in 36 seconds, even though I promised myself it would last me the whole flight. I don't have will power with anything pleasurable because I'm a hedonist with a guilty conscience. Like this bottle should last me more than an hour, but it can't because it feels too good to drink it all and listen to Drake and daydream about all the things I did and haven't done yet.
I don't feel like I'm getting old, but I kinda am.
But also: who the fuck cares?
I'll always have my memories, my rosé, and my illegal Drake vinyl.
Some nights I wish I could go back in life.
Not to change shit, just to feel a couple things twice.
Tasting Notes: I like this more after it has time to open, and is not super cold. Much better at a chilly room temp. Cherry and herbal on the nose, tart cherry candy on the palate. In love with the mouthfeel with this one. Lingering but light, feels like a Helmut Lang tee for my tongue. Refreshing and delightful, if you like cherry Sour Punch Straws, which I happen TO FUCKING LOOOOVVVVEE.
Ross Test: Better in a glass but doable.
Olivier Lemasson "Pow Blop Wizz"
Region: Loire, France
[movie trailer voice]
FROM THE PRODUCERS OF R-13
THE WINE THAT CHANGED LIVES FOREVER
COMES A ROSE PÉTILLANT
THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE
OLIVIER LEMASSON PRESENTS:
"POW BLOP WIZZ"
A LIGHTLY EFFERVESCENT JOURNEY
INTO MOTHERFUCKIN DELICIOUSNESS
This wine couldn't be further from how deep and manly I wrote that, but the sentiment is the same. It's a summer blockbuster. But instead of Shia LaBeouf and some zombies, it's a Monster Rally song wrapped in sunshine and a gentle breeze of honeydew soda. It's light, and floral, with a little bit of Calgon nostalgia. I want to bathe in it and die in it and bathe in it, and then die in it all over again.
Or perhaps just float away on a lazy river for forever with endless bottles.
It tastes like the sparkling sweat of the freshest farmer's market strawberry making sweet, sweet love to a pack of Double Bubble in the first minute of it being chewed (because you know, Double Bubble is fatuously juicy at first, then dries up quicker than a vagina stuck at dinner with a staunchly scriptural Republican).
I'm extremely tough on Rosés that sway sweet. And this one does, but its natural production funk balances it beautifully. The funk in this is very interesting because it is just faintly present, rather than being an outstanding quality. It's mostly on the finish, which is rather musky, but in a good way. I'm not sure you'd notice it unless you know Lemasson's other wines. Or, maybe I'm just immune to it.
Tasting Notes: Cab Franc/Grolleau blend. Fucking superb. Like I said. Honeydew soda breeze on the nose, sweet sweet beautiful HBO sex on the tongue.
Ross Test: Just the best. The problem with bubbles is they are generally hard to chug, but these bubbles aren't aggressive. They're super friendly like, "HEY WE WANT TO BE IN YOUR MOUTH!" which is tight. And sexy. I'M CHUGGING TWO WHOLE GLASSES WORTH.
Last night at Silverlake Wine, one of the owners suggested I try this. It being from Loire and a reasonable $16.50, I said YES OF COURSE. Turns out that Côts are what the Loire calls Malbecs, and that they are delectably fun. Unlike the deep flavors of Argentinian Malbecs, Côts are light and energized easy drinkers. Fruity and poppy, this is a perfect party wine and I'm excited to keep it in stock this summer. It's going to be irresistible slightly chilled at dusk in July.
Sebastien David "Kenzako" Cab Franc
Region: Loire, France
Tomorrow is my birthday. This is the first year I'm not throwing myself a big birthday party, and it's something I am cool with. Usually I need a big birthday party because I have to feed the monster that those who are close to me know is my ego, but this year, I just don't care. Or I'm too tired to care. I can't tell. Too much work and wine and uppers in the last month to give much of a shit about anything besides chilling out.
Hence my new tracksuit look.
It's a new year and a new style, but still the same old, "YO THERE IS NOTHING THAT MEANS MORE TO ME THAN CHILLING COMFORTABLY TOPLESS WITH MY WINE."
Shout out to my new sponsors, Adidas.
Don't get me wrong. I'm still doing lunch tomorrow and dinner tomorrow and going to Napa for four days. But that's a very adult birthday. This is the most adult birthday I've had in my whole life, which makes sense since this is the most adult I've ever been.
And this is a very adult wine for me to just be chugging alone in a tracksuit. I mean, it was $31.99. I don't go around buying wines that expensive for every day chugging, but fuck it, I'm going to be old tomorrow so GOTTA LIVE IT UP. TITTIES OUT. CAB FRANC IN MY MOUTH.
I love this wine. It tastes like I'm an adult.
Which I am.
I am cool with it, really. The other night after a lot of wine, weed and other things, I laid in bed on cloud nine, thinking about how I'm definitely the most stressed I've ever been, but I'm also the closet to getting what I want in life than I've ever been. And that's why getting older is pretty cool. Suddenly the things you have been working towards on are the horizon, and not just in your dreams.
And you have track suits.
And kinda expensive natural French wines.
And still write with pieces of your childhood stuffed rabbit clutched in your hands because no matter how many track suits you own or how many wines you drink you are still an emotionally stunted and scared human trying to make something of herself. Which is always good to know.
Anyway, this wine is really good. Birthdays are cool. Adidas is tight, thanks for sending me dope shit. I love Bun-Bun (suck it, Dad, yeah I've still got it, nice try trying to get me to throw it out when I was 10 HA HAAAA!).
Time to clean my house and get back to work and forget that birthdays are even a thing because there's way too much other shit to deal with than me being a year older. HA HAAAAA CAUSE I'M SUCH A GOD DAMN ADULT I'M SUCH AN ADULT MAN IT'S CRAZY I'M SO ADULTISH THIS IS WHY ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING KIDS AND I'M LIKE WHYYYY LOL IT'S CAUSE I'M GOING TO BE OLD TOMORROW! AND NOT THIRTY OLD. I'M NOT THIRTY YET. JUST ALMOST. BUT I MEAN IT'S COOL. AND EVEN THIRTY IS GONNA BE COOL. EVERYTHING IS VERY COOL. WE'RE COOL. I'M COOL GUYS.
Alright I just expelled all my energy caring for five seconds and now I don't care again.
Such an adult!
Tasting Notes: This wine is so good. Very much worth $31.99. It's got that natty freshness ya'all know I can't get enough of. The color is a deepening purple, like a very dark sea. It smells like fresh blackberries, anise, and a little ashy. The palate is super refreshing and poppy, with lots of raspberry and pepper, and a hint of my own tears.
Ross Test: I Ross Tested HALF THE BOTTLE. I only got a glass because I was like, "Oh, it'd be irresponsible of me not to at least try it in a glass." Enough said.
Vincent Caillé 'La Part du Colibri' Gamay
Region: Loire Valley, France
Ah, my affair with Gamays continue. I just can't quit these fuckers.
I love this Gamay because it's meeting in the middle between the girl I was and the woman I've become. It's a fancy French wine, but on a budget. I remember the first time I bought $12 wine. I won't name names, but I remember not being that impressed with it in comparison to the $3 - $6 I was drinking.
Well, this is a huge difference. There is such a huge difference between a large producers $12 and small producers $12. It's like comparing Kraft cheese to Tillamook.
Tillamook is still a larger producer.
But their Sharp Cheddar is BOMB AS HELL, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
(Plus it's still in the relative price range, ya dig? Can't be telling you to give up shredded bags for Hooks ten year aged, now can I?)
The fucking point is, this wine is delicious and a steal. It's lively and lovely and will please both eccentric red wine lovers and light red wine lovers alike.
I have to go because it's Friday and my friends are here and I've been working all week on a sample chapter for my book that I finished last night-- yes, my book you read that correctly, very exciting stuff, sorry that's why I haven't been around, thank you to everyone who has been a supporter + fuck you to the commenter who said I talked like I was twelve last week, seriously suck my dick-- SO. THIS IS MY TIME TO CHILL. WHICH YOU ALL KNOW I VALUE AND RELISH IN.
I HOPE YOU TAKE A BOTTLE OF VINCENT CALLIE TO CHILL WITH YOU NEXT TIME YOU CHILL CAUSE I FEEL LIKE THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY CHILL CHILL. LIKE THE CHILLEST. LOOK AT ME. I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE YOUR DAD BEFRIENDED AT THE BAR ON A CRUISE SHIP AND GAVE YOUR BEDROOM AWAY TO WHILE THEY "GET BACK ON THEIR FEET".
Which is true.
You're never getting your bedroom back.
It's mine now.
Your dad and I and Vincent Caillé Gamay are all best friends now.
100% not sorry. xoxoox
Tasting Notes: Gorgeous garnet color, like seriously? Someone get me some earrings made of this shit. The bouquet is super fresh, like wet lemongrass and rosemary tanning in the summer sun. The palate is bright, with lots of blackberries and lavender. I kinda want a candle of this. But it does not taste like a candle. Except maybe it does cause I own some expensive ass candles I'd definitely be down to drink.
Ross Test: Very good. A little acidic on the back end, but still, very good.