The worst part about Valentine's Day is how much single people bitch about it. I bet you're like, "Easy for you to say, unsingle cunt." I understand that, but as the "the wine glass is half full" kind of woman I am, even when I was single, I loved Valentine's Day because Valentine's Day is an awesome excuse to get drunk. So stop bitching and start drinking. Here are four excellent dates for you this Valentine's Day.
Damilano Barolo Cannubi 2008
The Cannubi is your best friend. Like your best-best friend you've been best friends with since your guys' other best friend got you hooked on shoplifting from Bath & Body Works in junior high. The two of you have been through everything together. Parents, hook-ups, AOL screen names, getting drunk and pissing in their bedroom wastebasket senior year of high school. They are super outspoken and at times even brash with you, but at the end of the day, there is no one you'd rather be curled up on a couch with. There is no one better to be one-on-one with in your pajamas watching For A Good Time, Call..., or catching up over Anchorman, or laughing over really cheesy late night Skinamax (just like you did on the pull out couch in their living room for your adolescence).
Tasting Notes: Bold and springy on the bouquet, like fresh cut grass right before PE. The palate is more like eating plums from your front yard after school, with hints of cherry and leather. The tannins are barely there, like dust in the air after rediscovering your old collection of Goosebumps books. This wine is amazing, and it has the 92 point rating to prove it.
Ross Test: Nice and soft, like a throw blanket for your soul.
Esporão Reserva 2009
The Reserva is the person you know you shouldn't be calling, but you can't help yourself. They grabbed your ass in a bar one night years ago and you've been periodically getting together ever since. They're emotionally unavailable but so god damned charming and handsome and, let's be honest, the best big spoon you've ever had. And sometimes, you just need to be spooned. And sometimes, that spoon may or not fork you. And sometimes, you need to be forked! Their big arms just wrap around you, and their crotch fits so perfectly against your ass. And isn't that what Valetine's Day is about? Being wrapped up in bullshit and getting forked?
Tasting Notes: Strapping and sexy from start to finish. This is just such a powerful wine, with big black fruits on the bouquet and palate. It's super solid, and muscular, in a "Whoa, do you want to protect me and keep me warm forever? Or at least until we have sex and we both know you need to go home?" sort of way.
Ross Test: Strong, but that's probably how you want it.
Berlucchi Cuvee '61 Rosé
Yeah, I know Drake told us no new friends. But fuck that. You wanted to hate this bitch when you first met her, but you couldn't. For the exact reasons you wanted to loathe her, you are now in love with her. She is super pretty and bubbly, breathing life into any room she walks into. Everyone wants a taste of her; they want to drink up her entire sparkling personality. And though you just met, you find yourself canceling dinner plans all over the place to party with her. She's just so fucking fun.
Tasting Notes: This is If Victoria's Secret "Strawberries and Champagne" was a wine. It smells just like it, and tastes like it. Like if it tasted it the best ever. It's medium-bodied but so light, with just barely ripe strawberries and well-balanced acidity. And with all that effervescence?! GOD DAMN. It's so fucking good. I want to do this every night.
Ross Test: Don't do it. You can't handle this bitch in high quantities, probably for your own health.
Charles & Charles Cabernet Syrah
This is the guy in a hoodie you've been dating for three & a half weeks. Don't get me wrong, it is a very nice hoodie. It's almost, too nice of a hoodie. Because he's super casual, but also super smooth. That makes things confusing. Like, it feels like you guys are a couple but no one has said anything about being a couple. You guys do super couplely things, but everyone is being really cool about it. At first, you're like, "Oh no, Valentine's Day. Do we? Do we not? Are we serious? I can't tell?" But of course you guys do Valentine's Day. He's going to show up in a hoodie, smelling all woodsy, wearing that warm-ass boyish smile that has you dreaming about eternity.
Tasting Notes: The bouquet is punchy yet inviting, full of blackberries with slight floral and coffee notes. It's like he has a crazy, edgy wit, but also a really genuine heart. That same sentiment stays on the palate, but once you dig a little deeper you can taste that along with all those berries, there is a nice toasty flavor. Which makes sense since he's going to be keeping you warm. Hopefully for forever. Fingers crossed.
Ross Test: Totally easy-going and smooth. Very enjoyable.
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Happy Valentine's Day, little lovers. I hope you get really drunk on wine, and don't take Vicodin and end up dancing on a bar and then puking all over like I did in 2007 cause holy shit, that suuucked.
What are you Ross Testing this Valentine's Day? Tell me about it in the comments or hashtag #RossTest so I can see what's up.